ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
