My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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