I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
