I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
do nipples grow back?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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