a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
