I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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