Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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