On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
