Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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