thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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