the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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