On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
