I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
