I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
