I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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