when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
