Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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