The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize