We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
