I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
