I think I died a long time ago.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
