I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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