Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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