I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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