remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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