This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
