if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
