Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
