Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
