My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
