Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So many bounce houses so little time
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
