I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
