He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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