He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
