I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
