So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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