One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
