I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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