i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
