ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
