First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
whose ass print is on the piano?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
