So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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