why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
