he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
