Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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