she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
