a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
