Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
