Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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