His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
