you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
