I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
