she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
